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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

IMPORTANT NEWS RELEASE ON AL GORE

IMPORTANT NEWS RELEASE

Our astute investigative team has just discovered that Ex Vice President Al Gore is planning to take a Virgin Airline trip to Mars and Triton, the largest moon of Neptune. He will be accompanied by his wife, Tipper, and Richard Branson, the owner of Virgin. Susan Sarandon, although invited, decided not to go because of a previous commitment. Their plans are to return to Earth for refueling then to proceed to Planet Venus. Tipper will stay home because she does not like the heat, but Sarandon will join the group at this point for she just loves the heat and sucking up the atmosphere of carbon dioxide and sulfuric acid, not unlike the atmosphere of her neighborhood in Hollywood.

The reason for this trip is to investigate, first hand, the scientific reports that Mars, Triton, and Venus are warming up much like Earth. Our investigative team has discovered that the principal diet of the inhabitants of both Mars and Triton consists of beans, and the resulting gas is contributing to the global warming there. This is not too dissimilar to the reports of the contribution of gas elimination of cows and rice fields here on Earth. If we were to eliminate or even cut down on Earths cow population, this would seriously affect infant nutrition because of low milk supply and populations whose source of dietary protein is beef. Additionally, those peoples who depend upon rice as a major staple of their diet would suffer starvation unless another food source is discovered.

Since legumes (beans) are out, for this is apparently what is getting Mars and Triton in trouble, the Assistant Secretary General of the United Nations for Alternative Food Sources has appointed a committee to further investigate the potential problem of decreasing food supply. Our crack investigators have learned that the Chairman of this special committee will be none other than Maurice Strong, former Under Secretary of the United Nations for Climate Affairs. Maurice was one of the chief architects of the Kyoto Conference and he is a partner of Al Gore in the carbon credit scam currently being perpetrated on the populations of Planet Earth.

Reputable scientists are objecting to the planned trip because most now believe

that reason should prevail and that we should utilize the philosophical principle of Occams Razor (first proposed by Sir William of Occam, 1300-1349) which states that when considering multiple explanations to a phenomenon or event, the simplest is usually the correct one. I apologize to all those who adhere to conspiracy theories, but blame Sir William of Occam, not me.

The simplest explanation for global warming would come from analyzing what Earth, Mars, Triton, and Venus have in common. It is the Sun, my dear friends! The Sun IS getting hotter, ergo, these other celestial bodies are getting warmer.

I do not wish to minimize the importance of doing what we can to eliminate the gases which man creates by burning fossil fuels because nature in the natural scheme of things never intended for such pollutants to get into the atmosphere at this time. They might have been there in very early times of the development of the planet, but now with the animals and humans who must share the planet, certain man-made gases which might adversely affect life must be controlled.

But cows and rice fields, or even beans for that matter, let us be reasonable! We will keep you updated on the intergalactic antics of Al Gore and others of his ilk.

As always, I remain

nicola michael c. Tauraso, M.D.

Ps. The above is a comedic parody.

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